the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
