so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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