My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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