i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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