Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want a musical about memes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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