I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
