im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
