Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
