so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
