where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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