if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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