Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
