I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
