I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
