alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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