Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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