a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
