i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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