you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize