just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
