They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just high enough for therapy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
