She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize