I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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