So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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