Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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