I wanna bring you to show and tell
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
