she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
