Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
