Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
