There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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