My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
