Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
