Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
