I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
