I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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