i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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