I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
