That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
