First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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