I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
