wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
