John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
