How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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