no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
