last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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