If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize