when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
