my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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