I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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