yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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