You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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