im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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