You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
