I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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