My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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