I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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