my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
