You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
