mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize